Bleach: Intermissions
by Kracken l.w
Summary: Just random snippets to help me get back into writing. Mostly humor rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

Bleach : Intermissions

_By Kracken l.w._

Don't own it. Don't own it. Don't own it.

A/N: Finals are finally over and I'm only taking one course this summer so hopefully I'll actually have time to write. Consider this a way of getting back into practice. Review or not if you please. I'd post 'em even if you all begged me not to.

"Man, I pity you, Ayasegawa."

"Pity me?"

"Well, yeah."

"Why?"

"You know. Having to do _His_ paperwork as well as your own, do you ever get time off for anything but training?"

"Why would I be doing Taicho's paperwork?"

Seeing as they were approaching a certain open doorway, Hisaagi decided it would be better to whisper. He needn't have bothered. Yumichika just burst out laughing and called out "Taicho! Did you know there's a rumor going around that you can't read?"

There were a few seconds of tense silence before Kenpachi roared "I'm crazy, not stupid! There _IS_ a difference, ya know!"

END


	2. Chapter 2

Bleach: Intermissions

By Kracken l. w.

Don't own it.

2. Combustion

It took him a moment to realize what they were saying. They were going to redecorate. _His _office. "**Hell No!**" And then he vanished. The shinigami women's association stared in surprise. "I didn't know he could use Flash step." Unohana looked down at a small pile of ash and some slightly melted bells on the floor. "He couldn't."

End.


	3. Chapter 3

Bleach: Intermissions

_By Kracken l.w._

Don't own it.

3. Over Protective

There was a new guy in the eleventh, and he was determined to go straight to the top. However, he knew very well that he wasn't yet ready for Kenpachi, and he didn't think beating a little girl was all that impressive. So: "Hey you! Baldy!" Ikkaku didn't even have to turn around. A furious Yachiru landed on the new guy's head and proceeded to jump up and down until he was battered right through the floor. "He's not bald unless _I _say so!" She glared around the room but no one would meet her gaze. " You all got me?" "Yes ma'am." Ikkaku snorted and went back to his card game.

End.


	4. Chapter 4

Bleach Intermissions

_By Kracken l. w._

Disclaimer: For the last time, I DON'T OWN IT!

4. Pranksters

Of course they pretended to hate each other. That was the only reason they got away with half the things they did. As the screams of outrage rang from the distant building of twelfth division, Kuchiki Byakuya gave Zaraki Kenpachi the tiniest of nods. Zaraki's mouth twitched and he kept walking. Mayuri had discovered what they'd done to his hat.

End.


	5. Chapter 5

Bleach Intermissions

_By Kracken l. w._

_Disclaimer: See chp.4_

5. Defeat

He was desperate. Defeat was looming near and it was all he could do to hold on in the face of that calm stare. Sweat dripped from every pore and his strength finally gave out. His hand slammed into the table. "Shit!" His Captain's stare turned discouraging. "Your paperwork is calling you, Abarai."

End


	6. Chapter 6

Bleach Intermissions

_By Kracken l. w._

Disclaimer: See Previous

6. Kibbles N' Bits

Kommamura stared in horrified fascination at the "present" some demented soul or other had left on his desk. It consisted of a five pound bag of "Steak n' Bacon Kibble" and a large red ceramic dog dish with the word "Fwuffykins" on it in blue lettering. Looking carefully around, he reached into the bag and warily popped a handful of the small crunchy things into his mouth. He decided right then that he would wait to kill the prankster until he knew how to get more. On a neighboring rooftop, Yoruichi was trying very hard not to laugh.

End


	7. Chapter 7

Bleach Intermissions

_By Kracken l. w._

Disclaimer: See chp. 4

7. Brew Master

All of Soul Society knows the 11th division drinks. What they don't know is that what they take for cheap liquor is actually some of the finest Sake available, brewed in situ by the infamous Captain himself. They also have no clue that his main buyers, who come to taste the new product every year or so, are none other than Captains Kyoraku, Kuchiki,… and Captain General Yamamoto.

End


	8. Chapter 8

Bleach Intermissions

By Kracken l. w.

Disclaimer: See chp. 4

8. Grounded

"That does it! How many times have I told ya t' leave the shrimp alone? No chewin' on Ikkaku for a week!" This was not precisely what he'd had in mind when he came here to complain. However, he was too busy wondering what disturbed him more, the punishment or the truly crestfallen look on Yachiru's face, to do more than twitch and take his leave. It wasn't until much later that Hitsugaya even realized that Zaraki had called him a shrimp to his face.

End


	9. Chapter 9

Bleach intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't own. (glares at lawyers.) So piss off.

9. Revelations

When Kenpachi found out about Yumichika's soul slayer, he didn't go ballistic. Yumi wishes he had. Instead he forced his fifth seat into turning it on him; and took off his eye patch. The resulting overload sent Yumi to the fourth division for a week. It was another month before Ikkaku stopped laughing.

End

(A/N: Okay, before certain people who shall remain nameless say one more word on the subject, the third chapter of "Birthday Hassle" is going through the final edit as we speak. 'Kay? So don't get your panties in a twist! and you _Could_ review instead of e-mailing me ya know.)


	10. Chapter 10

Bleach intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: See chp. 9

10. Tired

Ichigo was moping. Carrying on an increasingly depressing conversation with his inner hollow while he walked back to the fourth division in the rain, he was firmly of the opinion that things couldn't possibly get worse. So he could be pardoned for deciding fate hated him when a familiar crushing reiatsu and even more familiar sense of dread washed over him from behind. Feeling to low to run, he just stood still looking ahead, waiting for what he knew was coming next. What he got was not what he expected. An open handed swat to the back of his head sent him rolling down the corridor as Zaraki growled "Goddamit! I'm fuckin' _Sick_ of all the angsty teenager shit! If you an' Shorty can't suck it up an' get over it, then at least go POUT where the rest of us CAN'T HEAR YOU!" As the eleventh division's captain stalked off in a roil of power and irritation, Ichigo reflected on the fact that he really, _really_, needed to stop talking to himself out loud.

End.

(A/n: Kyia, I wasn't talking about you. Remember the other site I used to write for? DFL hasn't had time to Beta for me but somehow he still has time to complain!)


	11. Chapter 11

Bleach Intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: See. Chp. 9

11. Full Monty

" Guess what Ken-chan? You remember that movie I told you about last week? The one with the four ugly guys takin' off their clothes?" Kenpachi shot a wary glance at his vice captain over the edge of his desk. "Yeah, an' I remember talkin' to Unohana 'bout it afterwards." He growled. Who would have thought _she,_ of all people, would be guilty of showing Yachiru something like **that**. "Well, we got this idea for a fundraiser for the new calendar! We were gonna get some of the Captains to do that!" She rattled on, completely oblivious to the look of horror and growing suspicion on her guardian's face. "We were going to have Bya -chan, Funny Hat Man, Big Shiro-chan, and Creepy Face after he gets gooed… but then Big Shiro got sick. So I said I'd ask Ken-chan! Ken-chan? Ken-chan?! Where'd he go?"

(A/N : For those who haven't seen it, The Full Monty is a movie about four really ugly guys who try to raise money by stripping. I seriously suggest it for days when you REALLY need a laugh.)

The End


	12. Chapter 12

Bleach intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

12. Paper Work

"Taicho? Ya know that whole rumor thing? Wi' Yumi an' th' paperwork?" Kenpachi scowled up at his subordinate for a moment before answering. That _still_ pissed him off. "Yeah, I do." He looked pointedly back at his paper strewn desk. "Not fer lack of tryin'; but all these fuckin' reminders kinda screw that up." Ikkaku grimaced and scratched his skull. "Any ways Taichou, why _don't_ ya make Yumi do it? I mean, yer allus sayin ya hate thinkin', right? So why not make the fruit cake do it?" Distracted briefly by a discrepancy in one of the fifteen required copies of the monthly finance report, it took Zaraki five full minutes to figure out what Ikkaku was getting at. "Yo, Chrome Dome," He raised an eyebrow at his twitching third seat. " Who the hell told you this shit had anythin' ta do with using your brain?"

The End.

(A/n: Tax forms, anyone?)


	13. Chapter 13

**Bleach: Intermissions**

_By Kracken l.w._

Insert disclamer here:

13. Puppy Pile

Hisaagi stared at Komamura as if the giant captain had lost his mind. "Puppies? The _eleventh_?"

"You have obviously never seen them passed out together in a heap after a mission. Don't you tell me I don't recognize a pile of tired out whelps when I see one!"

Iba, walking on Kommamura's other side, let out an indignant snort while Hissagi tried to stifle his laughter.

**END**


	14. Chapter 14

Bleach: Intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: See chap. 4

* * *

14. That D4mn Doll ...

It was staring at him.

Again.

Its big, sad but emotionless green eyes mocking him. Its floppy, Emo cut green and black hair swished as he swatted it off his window sill and stomped out of his room; only to find another one sitting on the empty shelf outside his door.

Completely ignoring the fact that he was the one who started this by saying he had no sense of humor, Grimjow vowed to kill Ulquiorra the first chance he got. Right after he found and burned every one of his godforsaken mini-me Emo Plushies...

* * *

A/N: The Emo Plushie Strikes again! Muwhahahahahaaa! At least this time it wasnt stuffed with powdered uppers


	15. Chapter 15

Bleach: Intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: See chap. 4

* * *

15. Pounced

Blue ears twitched as the soft footsteps whispered closer. He crouched and prepared to spring, nostrils flaring as he caught it again; that heavenly scent. Luppi and Szayel watched in open amusement as the long tail swept back and forth in anticipation. "Oh shit!" Luppi hissed. "He did it! He did the butt wiggle!" Szayel muffled a chuckle at his current assistant's delighted disbelief. The grin behind his hand widened as the other target of their mischief rounded the corner not ten feet from where they stood. Oblivious to his audience, Grimmjow _pounced. _For a split second green eyes widened in surprise before narrowing in an even more brief display of displeasure. Looking with restored detachment at the transformed arrancar nuzzling into his stomach and drooling on his pristine coat, Ulquiorra Schiffer addressed the guffawing idiots at the other end of the hall...

"Which of you put cat nip in my dresser?"

* * *

A/N: I'm ashamed to say I have absolutley no excuse for this...


	16. Chapter 16

Bleach: Intermissions

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: See chap. 4

A/n: I don't why thses two amuse me so much lately. But my first thought when Schiffer switched over was The Count from Sesame Street's little counting song... I really need help.

* * *

16. Batty Bat.

Hell. This was definitely hell. Outwardly emotionless as ever, inside Ulquiorra was an inch from ripping Grimmjow Jager Jaques so irritating tongue right out of his incessantly running mouth. "And thats how you do The Batty Bat! Batty batty batty batty Mmmph!" A transformed Ulquiorra stood in the middle of Orihimes living room, ignoring the stares of his supposed jailors as he held the tip of an utterly dumbfounded Grimmjow's tongue between a dangerously clawed finger and thumb.

"What is the matter number six? Bat got your tongue?" Jaws gaped.

Sesame street was thereafter banned when Schiffer was in the house. Ulquiorra with a sense of humor was a million times more dangerous to their sanity than Ulquiorra in emo mode.

* * *

A/N: Really, REALLY need help...


End file.
